dull day

I decided to write on here about an hour ago and told myself not to read anyone else's blog but to post on my first, otherwise my resolve would be weakened. And sure enough, it was. I first looked at the comments on previous entries, then got sucked into reading those blogs from whence the comments came and now it's an hour late and I indeed don't feel like posting anymore. But here I am.

I'm sitting by myself today in the box office. I haven't been down here for a while, since the semi-promotion. A woman came today who wanted to buy some extra (4) tickets and asked if she could have the group rate because she would now have 23 tickets. I said that sadly, no, groups tickets had to be purchased at the same time to receive the discount. She looked a bit perturbed and said, "Can I just tell you that whoever handles your group sales is very unreliable. I have called and called and I've left three messages and no one has ever called me back!"

Ummm...guess who she was talking about?

I began asking her her name but she interrupted me by saying, "Mr. J!" Oooh, yep, that's my name. I told her that I was Mr. J and that I recently took over this job and that I had been making sure to stay on top of everything and answer all my messages I didn't know where hers might have gone. And even though we have bullet-proof glass in the box office it didn't stop the ones she was shooting at me from her eyes.

So I was feeling pretty guilty until she started speaking again: "I find the membership program at this theater very confusing." Okaaaaay, what information exactly was confusing? "Everywhere I looked: online, in the brochure. I wanted to buy three shows but I tried to get tickets for the circus but the dates were sold out and there are only two other shows that I'm interested in so I couldn't buy three shows. Other people who planned that far in advance were able to buy tickets." That's not so much an argument as a statement of fact. So her issue with membership wasn't that it was confusing but that the exact dates she wanted weren't available. That made me feel better about the whole group thing. I now have a suspicion that when she said she left three messages what she really meant was one and that that one message was actually just a statement to someone else that she was interested in group tickets.

I'm still trying to figure out how I can get a camera before my next crying session but also, thinking about that too much kind of makes me want to cry thereby defeating my quest before it even begins.

Does anyone else think it's strange that the spell check feature provided by Blogger.com doesn't recognize the word blog? And if you were to see this word:
supsicion
would you think:
capsizing
Because that's the choice I was given.
Please note that I am most certainly not complaining about spell check; I'm just pointing out an oddity. Spell check is awesome and I would probably never send another email out for fear of laughable mistokes.

it's encompassing

Why the fuck am I awake at 7:30 on a Saturday morning? I remember when I was in high school I could sleep in until 3 in the afternoon. Now, I'm not saying that I'd still like to sleep that long, that's excessive, but I also don't want to wake up this early. I don't have many plans today and I certainly don't need to get a jump on them. Being awake this early just gives me more time to stew on how I don't have any plans. At least let me sleep away some of that uncomfortable time.

I had a bit of a crying fit when I got home from work yesterday and in the middle of it my roommate knocked on my door and without waiting for a reply, opened it and poked her head in my room (at that time I was thankfully taking a pause from crying so that's good, but I was also in my underwear, kneeling in front of my mirror, staring at myself, so that's, um, bad?). What an awkward moment. She had just come to tell me that she bought me some more hummus because she had eaten mine. Then she apologized because she thought I had said "come in," which I don't know how she heard that since when she knocked I went totally still but then she asked if she had interrupted me. I looked at her pointedly and said, "Yes."

Most of the time I was having this fit, which included the need to strip down to my skivvies, in the back of my head I was wishing that I had a video camera that I could have set up in the corner and recorded the whole thing. I was repeatedly walking in front of my mirror because I knew my body was doing odd things that were only semi under my control. I would have liked to watch that from the outside. Which might go to show that even while I'm having horrible anxiety and self-esteem issues I'm still a complete narcissist. Is that weird? I know one person who'll think it is. The other day I was telling him about a film I was going to go see and he asked if it was called Chop Your Balls Off and Make A Soup, The Motion Picture. I think that's as accurate a way as any to describe the kind of art that attracts me. Funny too.

I'm still not back in bed.

Why won't that fucking link work?!

nutzso

I haven't been blogging much lately for a variety of reasons. And here they are:

1. I don't like my writing style. I want to tell a funny story but I don't seem to be very good at condensing material and still getting the point across. So either my stories are too short and the humor is lacking or too long and by the time you get to the end you don't care.

2. Since my audition is over I no longer have a concrete reason to create art. A friend of mine smoked some cigarettes before her audition to help calm down, I bought a pack afterward to help cheer me up.

3. Number 2 bummed me out.

4. I actually talk to most of the people who read this anyway, so by the time I'm ready to write everyone's already heard it.

Which brings me to the reason I'm writing this at all. It's a nod to NSP. I just read her entry on reading other blogs and thought, "Hey, she prolly checks my every once in a moon, so I'll give her an extra minute to ignore work." That's what I read blogs for. And also: I don't have a kid! I mean, yes, I totally freaked out today because I have student loan that's defaulted and was sent to a collection agency and yes, it's much more than it was when I first got it and yes, I haven't even talked to the agency yet about paying them back (my mom's advice was to offer them 20 bucks a month or nothing at all, "What're they gonna do? Send you to jail? Then they'll never get their money! Take all your possessions? You don't own anything!" Good point mom. [I accidentally just typed "you don't know anything," which I think might work as well}) but even though I have my own problems, I also don't have anyone else dependent on me and if NSP can live her life and take care of a kid then fuck, I should at least be able to get through the day, right? So thanks, NSP, for inadvertently giving me a reason to blog.

And on to other things:

In the attempt to get to work on time this morning I rushed down the subway stairs all the while chastising myself for forgetting about the meeting I was supposed to be attending in 10 minutes and while these thoughts were going through my head I slammed right into the subway entrance turnstile. I was practically running. Did you know those things don't turn until you pay? Apparently I didn't. I turned around slightly and noticed three women standing near the subway booth (I don't know why) smiling/laughing at me. While pulling out my metrocard I looked right at them, said "Yes, I am stupid," swiped it and walked in.

attack of the crazies

When you get that pang that makes your body curl up and all you want to do is smoke in the rain...why not try not eating for 10 hours and then drinking two beers. It's working for me so far.

But is it art?

I don't know, but I'm working on it.

They say no

Who do you talk to at 2AM? I don't know either. Who wants to be woken up pestered with my issues concerning self-worth, self-esteem, clothing and art? I can just imagine it:

ring ring ring
Friend (groggily): Umm, hello?
Me (sobbingly): Why is it that when a cute guy smiles at me I start crying? Sure I'm attractive now but I won't always be so why don't I do something? How come I can't seem to go outside when it's completely sunny and loads of people are out having fun? What's wrong with me? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LOVE ME?!

I mean, what do you say to that at 2AM?

It really isn't helping that I'm auditioning a piece next Monday (not this Monday, the one after that) and I still haven't even started memorizing the text that I'm not even finished writing. Plus there's the whole meat cleaver idea and I haven't tried to cut anything with it. And then some choreography, I'm auditioning at a dance space after all. Doesn't that mean I have to move around a little? And what if they don't want it? What do I do then? I keep saying that then I'll have this whole completed piece but I'm really bad at research and I don't know where else I would take it.

I've been really bummed about New York in general lately. I was thinking about slowly getting rid of all (or most) of my possessions over the next while and just going somewhere else. I don't know where (remember, I'm bad at research; I'm also not spontaneous). Somewhere where I did something with my hands maybe. Then I thought about maybe just asking my brother if I could live with him for a while. I think he has a house now or something. I don't know what kind of art I want to do anymore and I don't know where to do it anyway. And it's not like I'm making any new friends and I'm certainly not going to be falling in love any time soon so why not be off somewhere else that doesn't make a difference either?

Uchh, god, this isn't really helping. Fuck writing about it. Why didn't I say something?