They say no

Who do you talk to at 2AM? I don't know either. Who wants to be woken up pestered with my issues concerning self-worth, self-esteem, clothing and art? I can just imagine it:

ring ring ring
Friend (groggily): Umm, hello?
Me (sobbingly): Why is it that when a cute guy smiles at me I start crying? Sure I'm attractive now but I won't always be so why don't I do something? How come I can't seem to go outside when it's completely sunny and loads of people are out having fun? What's wrong with me? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LOVE ME?!

I mean, what do you say to that at 2AM?

It really isn't helping that I'm auditioning a piece next Monday (not this Monday, the one after that) and I still haven't even started memorizing the text that I'm not even finished writing. Plus there's the whole meat cleaver idea and I haven't tried to cut anything with it. And then some choreography, I'm auditioning at a dance space after all. Doesn't that mean I have to move around a little? And what if they don't want it? What do I do then? I keep saying that then I'll have this whole completed piece but I'm really bad at research and I don't know where else I would take it.

I've been really bummed about New York in general lately. I was thinking about slowly getting rid of all (or most) of my possessions over the next while and just going somewhere else. I don't know where (remember, I'm bad at research; I'm also not spontaneous). Somewhere where I did something with my hands maybe. Then I thought about maybe just asking my brother if I could live with him for a while. I think he has a house now or something. I don't know what kind of art I want to do anymore and I don't know where to do it anyway. And it's not like I'm making any new friends and I'm certainly not going to be falling in love any time soon so why not be off somewhere else that doesn't make a difference either?

Uchh, god, this isn't really helping. Fuck writing about it. Why didn't I say something?