The ability to recognize negative behavior often has no correlation with correcting that behavior. At least that's how it often is with me. I can usually easily spot when I'm being whiny, pitiful or self-destructive but do I stop? Nosirree. Even when my behavior is so secretive that the only person that knows its happening (and hence the main person it hurts) is me. Petulance reigns supreme. Why can't I just enjoy aspects of life? Why do I crumble when my plans are disrupted? Why do I feel like I deserve this loneliness? Only my therapist (who doesn't exist) can tell.

In other news, I wish I could stay at the gym all day. I love it there (right now, I'm pretty fickle when it comes to things that make me happy so we'll see how long this lasts). I love spending hours and hours exercising and stretching. Yesterday I had to go open the studio at 6AM. I then did some cardio for about 35 minutes, watched some pilates training then had an hour of a sort of personal pilates/weight/cardio class where a teacher was trying to create a new routine so she tried it out on me. I felt so tired when I left but that evening I decided to skip the closest subway stop and walk the 20 blocks to the next express stop. Then I come to work at the theater and get down down down. Enclosed in a windowless cube, I arrive and immediately begin to gorge on sugar. Perhaps someday I'll be able to do something I love. Isn't that everyone's goal? Has anyone achieved it? No one I know, it seems.