anxiety

I just got this email from the woman who owns the Pilates studio I work at on the UWS:

Hi ipj,
I would like to observe one of your Pilates sessions. Most/all of your clients would probably be amenable to a one-time viewing session, right?

Aaaah! I've already been kind of freaking out about Pilates and this doesn't help. I officially applied to another Pilates job yesterday (I had called and left a message 2 days ago then sent an email with my resume yesterday) and my self-confidence is pretty low. I been feeling a little inadequate lately in my teaching even though my clients seem to like our sessions. But then I sometimes end up thinking that they just don't know any better. Yesterday at the UWS studio I was talking to one of the other instructors and asked her about a few different exercises listed on a chart that's going to be put up in the Pilates room soon. I felt kind of silly asking about them since they're apparently part of the "classical" repertoire. When I first got the above email my immediate reaction was that this other instructor must have told the owner what I was asking because only an idiot with horrible training wouldn't know those exercises and that's why she wants to watch me because she wants to make sure her decision is correct before she fires me and THEN WHAT WILL I DO?!

Okay, I know that's really probably not what happened at all but I can't help thinking it. When I'm not the best I often assume that I must be the worst. I have a hard time with that in-between area where, really, almost everything happens.

The other problem is that I feel kind of guilty for not having observed more at that studio. As part of my apprenticeship I'm supposed to be observing the other instructors but I've only done like 3 hours in the 6 months I've been there. Wow. I never really thought about it before. That's pretty sad.

So:
overwhelming sense of guilt + lack of self-confidence = very frazzled ipj

I'm not a robot

And here's proof. I totally just cried at the end of the most recent episode of House...while at work. Luckily my coworkers never turned around from their computers.

serious thinking time

A coworker of mine forwarded me an article today by Bruce Bawer titled An Anatomy of Surrender. Here's a link to the article. I highly suggest you read it. The author discusses current disturbing acts of suppression concerning freedom of speech specifically related to writings or other works of art criticizing or even just discussing Islam in a "negative" light. I put quotations around negative because the use of that term depends on who you're talking to.

Following is an excerpt that really struck me.

Last year brought another cartoon crisis—this time over Swedish artist Lars Vilks’s drawings of Mohammed as a dog, which ambassadors from Muslim countries used as an excuse to demand speech limits in Sweden. CNN reporter Paula Newton suggested that perhaps “Vilks should have known better” because of the Jyllands-Posten incident—as if people who make art should naturally take their marching orders from people who make death threats.*

*bold font mine

Just yesterday Parfait and I were discussing how easily we've begun to give up our freedoms as a people. This article was thought provoking and I think that's exactly what we all need to be doing: thinking and questioning. We need to not be afraid to question what's happening around us, even if those questions may be upsetting to oneself or someone else. Does Islam support violence? If so, do we need to be "respectful" of that religion and therefore condone that violence? No. This is actually pretty hard for me to write about. I feel that there's a large part of my mind that's been conditioned to be accepting of another person's religious beliefs and I think that's how a lot of people think. But when that acceptance of a belief degrades into an acceptance of atrocious acts of violence we need to question what's supporting our passivity. Is it fear? Is it laziness? Or is it a feeling of helplessness? I can say for myself that it's definitely a combination of all three. I don't know what I can do, how I can do it or what the repercussions might be. Not just the repercussions for myself but for other people as well. Being raised in the Mormon religion has helped me realize the misunderstandings and prejudices that can result from lumping members of a faith together. Just became one Mormon believes something doesn't mean all Mormons believe it or that the Mormon faith even teaches it. The same applies to followers of any religion, including Muslims. But being extra careful to separate individuals from a group can also fail to acknowledge the principles or laws that a religion does in fact teach. Clearly, I don't know enough about Islam to be making many statements but I also know that the fear of not knowing enough and the fear of hurting the few individuals who might be an exception to the rule keeps me from making any statements.

After seeing an exhibit at El Museo del Barrio I told Parfait that I was envious of the artists' work we saw because they seemed like they actually believed in something and wanted to make a change. I told him I could never make art like that because I don't believe in anything. Upon further reflection I realized this was inaccurate. It's not that I don't care about anything (though when I'm depressed or really upset, as I was then, I literally do stop caring, and that's difficult) it's that I don't know what to do and I feel completely helpless and like I don't know anything so who am I too judge others? When there are so many unknown variables how can I make a strong statement, one that I truly believe in?

active voice

I just balanced my checkbook and am really really excited because I have so much money in my account! I haven't had this much money in a long long time. Maybe quitting my job won't totally freak me out financially. Things are going to be okay...

Except for that I just remembered I totally left out a big ol' payment. Oops, back to normality again. At least that high was fun while it lasted.

some things

I am a mess right now. I broke down crying last night for no clear reason (no single clear reason anyway) and I feel like I need to cry again. I'm just kind of freaking out about things and have become way too sensitive. I came into my desk job this morning to catch an education performance and happened to see my boss who said hello. But she said it in a way that made me think maybe she was mad at me. Then I spent most of the performance worrying that somebody at my job read this blog and told her I was thinking about quitting and she got mad for my not telling her myself. But then I tried calming down by reminding myself that I'm not doing anything bad or wrong by thinking about quitting. I've been thinking about quitting for nearly two years, it's just that now I'm a little more serious. Still though, I don't like feeling like I'm hiding something and though I'm not actually hiding anything my sense of guilt, even when it's imagined, can be pretty overwhelming. Hence the crying and anxiety.

Also, I told Parfait that we should move in together. We're going to talk about it.

Also, the weather is all faccacted (how am I supposed to spell that, I don't even care enough to figure it out) and that's probably not helping.

Whew. Right now I'm pretty much wasting time at my job even though I'm not even scheduled to be here. I need to go to the bank and should probably get some food before I have to go teach but really, I just need some safety right now. I'd like to go somewhere and knit but it's pretty rainy outside so that's probably not going to happen. After crying last night I sat up, grabbed some needles, frogged my work because I thought of a better way to go and started over. I was knitting almost frantically and might have worried Parfait. But it really did help calm me down. And the rows looked pretty good so no harm done.

A note on the new format: I was thinking about going over to Wordpress but after actually creating a new blog over there, transferring all my old posts and spending nearly an hour and a half trying to manipulate one of their themes to my liking I decided Blogger handled personal touches better. Wordpress might have some better themes but it's seems much harder to sneak in your own html code and I finally gave up. So I started playing with a new theme on Blogger instead. It's still a work in progress. I mean, there's not a whole lot I can do but at least I can do something.

I don't like libraries anyway

Except that I do. And I tried to keep them open. At first this game was fun but ultimately it left me downtrodden. It pretty much accurately reflects any actual ability I may have related to politics. I utterly failed. How did you do?

maybe probably

I'm all jittery today and I'm not sure what to do to calm down. Actually, that's totally a lie, I know exactly what I should be do. I should write some sort of Pilates resume because...I most likely probably almost positively am going to quick my day job. Yikes. It just feels like it's time. I've been here for nearly 3 years and while it has given me a lot of time to knit I'm really starting to feel the drain on my soul. Of course, last night when I told Parfait he started asking me if I had any sort of action plan for the future after I quit and duh, of course not, I was planning on using quitting to get my ass in action (but not get action for my ass, I've been down that road) and find more Pilates teaching opportunities. I also think the time might have come to lie but I haven't decided yet. I'm still not completely certified yet but seriously it's taking me forever and if I can just start teaching more I'll be certified in no time. So should I just say I'm certified to get a job then make it true after the fact? I don't know, I really don't like lying but I also don't like my current job. What to do, what to do? Thank goodness I have a stripey purple hat I'm working on to clear my mind. That, and this great video my sister sent me. Thanks sis. I've watched this so many times. These girls are great, not just because they're a little bonkers but because their choreography is awesome and they are committed. Enjoy.

fantasy or reality

The other day I decided to take a short walk up to Columbus Circle after work. It had been a long day and I needed some time to clear my brain. I walked a few avenues west to get away from the crowds and picked up a little Red Mango on the way, which is awesome bye the bye and I can't stop eating it, except for now, because I'm sick. Anyway, I was walking along basically in my own world thinking my self-involved thoughts when I saw this guy walking toward me and we made eye contact, significant eye contact. No, not all flirty, more like, "I think we might know each other." I had just a few seconds to decide if I should say something but I missed the opportunity as we passed each other. Then a little bit of crazy began:

Did I know that guy? Where would I have met him? Is he a friend of Parfait's? Is he a techie that I met when I still did stagehand stuff? Was it rude that I didn't say anything? Clearly I don't know him very well. I should have just said hello and kept walking. That's nice and non-committal. That way, if I do vaguely know him I'll seem like a nice guy and if I don't I'll still just seem like a nice guy. Damn, why didn't I say hello? Where would I know that guy? He doesn't look like anyone I would usually be hanging out with. Uh oh, is he on television? Am I starting to confuse my own reality with reality tv? Oooerrrm, maybe it's a good thing I didn't say hello. But no, I must know him. Aaagh! Who is he?!

It was only later on the subway that I realized who he was:


Kevin from season 4 of Project Runway. Turns out I am a little crazy, I do watch too much tv, I do need to get out more and I don't know him. And I can't say I'm sorry.

So most of you know I don't really like my apartment, mostly because of my crappy roommates. But also because I never get to bake, also mostly because of my crappy roommates. Seriously, I used to bake all the time. When I lived in Seattle I had pies and cookies comin' out like every week or so, even a special glass pie one time. But since I've lived in New York the only thing I can remember baking is a cake for that guy who shall not be named who I sort of dated, and he didn't even really like it. One more reason why he's a bastard. But now I'm basically living with Parfait and finally, after months of not having any, the gas in his apartment has been reconnected. I've already baked like 4 batches of cookies in the past two weeks. And last night I decided to make some blueberry muffins. Oh man, I love blueberry muffins. I used to make them all the time when I was a kid but I haven't made any since I was in college. I was so excited. They finished baking around 9PM and I pretty much ate them for dinner. And it was glorious. The tops were so crusty and fluffy. I want one right now. Parfait only ate one, he has some restraint, but not me! While unwrapping my third he suddenly shouted, Stop! I thought he was going to reprimand me for being such a piggy but no. I get to eat the top. What?! No. I turned around and gave him the look of death. We ended up sharing, ugh. The lesson, don't get between me and my baked goods.

grandpa was right

I'm cat sitting for a certain blogger this weekend while she and her hubby are off on vacaneymoon, which is really just vacation and not a honeymoon at all but I like saying vacaneymoon. I was pretty good about bringing supplies to their apartment but felt guilty about taking the only toothpaste out of my boyfriend's apartment. (Even though it's my special cavity fighting toothpaste that I order online. I've basically been living at his place for a couple of months so I probably shouldn't suddenly just steal the toothpaste we've been sharing.) But my lazy ass has been, well, too lazy to go out and buy more toothpaste just so I can use it while cat sitting. So I've decided to embrace my heritage and brush my teeth like my ancestors did, with good old fashioned Arm & Hammer baking soda. Awesome. I sprinkle some on my great Sonicare (at least I remembered that, I'm not going to go crazy nostalgic and start using my finger or anything) then take little breaks to sprinkle more on throughout the process. And you know what, my teeth feel fine, pretty much the same in fact. I do wish I had some mouthwash to finish up with but otherwise I can't really tell the difference. So will I be making a switch once I'm done cat sitting? I don't know. Maybe I'll try a homemade salt scrub for my teeth later. I mean, what's good for your skin is good for your teeth, right?

In other news, I slightly change my hairstyle the other day and shocked my coworkers enough that they demanded a picture. So I'll share it with you.



Yeah. My teeth are so clean and sexy my lips can hardly touch them. I've since gone back to the old flat hair bed head look because I feel like it better hides the fact that I really need a hair cut.

it really really is

Have you been thinking along these lines lately?

-I see too much interesting art. I need a balance of crap.
-If I had a child, what would I ban him/her from watching?
-I'm too smart. How can I destroy some brain cells?

Do I have the video for you! Watch it and cry as your faith in humanity slips away. I present the aptly named Stupid Shit, and believe me, it is.


Did you watch it? Wasn't that amazing?! Did you start thinking that it couldn't get any worse...and then they stripped?! And one girl put on headphones for some reason? Now that's some stupid shit. I seriously can't stop watching this it pains me so, and I'm a sucker for pain.