What I learned from Men's Health magazine
or as I usually think it should be called: Your Window Into the Idiotic Straight Male Psyche
Women are...interested in men who express alpha status. Accomplish this by using a loud voice, speaking often, taking up lots of space, and interrupting others.
In other words, get drunk and act like the asshole you know you are, asshole. That makes sense since I'm pretty sure men are interested in women who display omega status. Accomplish this by always agreeing, doing his laundry and keeping your dumb-ass mouth shut. What other gems can MH offer?
The message you must convey to women boils down to "I'm here, I'm male, and I won't hurt you."
That's definitely the first thing I'd like to know. (I'll have you know I didn't even add that color, HM used it on it's own.)
Maybe just one more:
Rather than what she says, how she acts is a much more reliable gauge of what she's thinking. Straightening her hair or orienting her body toward you means she's interested.
And if she says "no," she really means "Yes!"
These are just random quotes from the article printed on the accompanying photographs. I don't know if I have the wherewithal to read the entire blathering piece. Plus I might just end up quoting the entire thing on here.
What I learned last night
Semi-pleasurable sexual experiences do not provide enhanced artistic inspiration. Apparently I have to be utterly disappointed and unsatisfied to tap into my well of creativity. That uncomfortable mix of pleasure and mild shame just doesn't cut it. Maybe I'm expecting too much, it was at least a learning experience on my creative process. When it comes down to it, I'm really doing research. Where's my grant money?
What I learned right now
No matter how tired you are or how late you might be you should always check weather.com. Stupid rain. Stupid sandals.
What else I learned right now
If you're going to be at a gym for 4 hours you might as well bring some workout clothes, even if you don't feel like exercising, because you probably won't have anything better to do.
Also, this morning (at 5:30AM) I cried on the subway again from The Road. Again. I restrained myself a bit more this time. Who knows what other psychotic shit might have come spilling out that early?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
lessons
4 comments:
Yeah, well, now you know. Pleasure is pointless and artless.
Does Men's Health offer any advice on what to do when a man cries? Because I am positive that you are not attracting any women when you openly cry in public.
I know I shouldn't be so surprised by the "wisdom" offered in Men's Health but I was hoping you were at least paraphrasing. I could see "loud voice" and "speaking often" working if you were drunk at a party, but "taking up space" and "interrupting?"
Hmm, does this mean that men's magazines exist to make them feel better about themselves and women's magazines exist to make them feel worse?
(But, really, everybody could use a good pair of tweezers.)
Also, putting "I won't hurt you" in a red font really seems like a big ol' like to me. Red equals pain. Surely they could have used a soothing blue or green...or maybe even lavendar...
Men's Health seems to be trying to catch men up to the decades of psychological warfare directed at women by popular magazines. The subtext (when it isn't just plain ol' text like in your examples) is similar in most important ways: You're inadequate, you're fat and out of shape, people don't respect you, you're behind the times. The remedies are also not dissimilar: Weird sex tips, retrograde relationship advice by the truckload ("hint: women respond to displays of status, such as wearing/driving/owning many of the fine products which you see advertized in this very publication!") and enough workout regimes to keep you doing ab-crunches well into the next millenium.
My housemate had a subscription for a while, for which I mocked him. On the plus side, I guess a magazine that tells single guys how to iron their own shirts is performing some sort of public service.
Well, I'm off to do some ab crunches! On the deck of my yacht. Later I'll be attending a high-class party where I plan to impress everybody by interrupting them.
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