I've taken a short tech job this week. After the first day I realized why I had decided that I didn't want to do any more tech stuff. I don't like working for people who create art that I don't respect. This piece includes a lot of eggshells selectively placed around the stage forming a circle. It's ridiculous. I watched the last 10 minutes of the piece and wanted to scream. And just today I saw that the choreographer has a full page write up in Time Out, right at the first page of the dance section. Shows how much I know.

more angry knitting

This is my new favorite store. And this is my new favorite person who works at said store. I went there today during my lunch break to buy some yarn for a hat I want to make a friend of mine. She was so helpful and nice and it was a wonderful experience. I'll definitely be going back there. I also spent a bunch of money that I don't really have since I went to the dentist this morning and had two (two!) crowns put on my teeth. Those fuckers are expensive. I was hoping to set aside some money each month to later use towards getting certified in pilates but it looks like that'll have to wait, again.

I've been really angry lately. I think it's a combination of the weather, my roommates and my natural disposition towards anger. I've been pulling away from my friends and into myself. I'm sorry. It'll pass, probably. I will try to call you. I just feel like this cold weather has put me in a daze. It's hard to want to go anywhere or do anything. That's funny, that's how I remember feeling in the summer when it's ridiculously hot outside. I guess I'm only mostly functional during fall and spring though those seasons have their problems too. See? I just put my angry pants right back on.

It's been one of those days. And it's not even over yet. I did nothing today. Really. The most I can say is I took a shower, which I guess it some sort of an accomplishment since I could have just wallowed in my own filth instead. It's one of the days where little things are freaking me out. I got all jittery earlier at the thought of going to a tech gig I have tonight. I still can't think about it too much. It's probably going to be really easy and no big deal and yet I just can't calm down. I hate these times. This is why I need structure in my life. And I do have some structure and it does help, I'd just rather have some structure that I can actually appreciate.

blather blather

love me like Amy Tan

I was in Boston this weekend visiting my friend Bannie (as I just this moment started calling her in my head) who was starring in a play. She would probably correct me and say it was an ensemble piece but clearly, she was the star. And I'm not just saying that because I'm her friend. Actually, I found myself being exceptionally critical watching her specifically because she's my friend. Is she funny as this character? Is she funny because she's Bannie? Am I just having fun because I know her outside this context? And this is why HL will never voluntarily let me read one of his plays. Understandable.

Bannie and I went out to dinner before the show but overestimated how much time we would spend eating. Since we were eating before the show we couldn't order wine or any sort of alcohol and really enjoy ourselves (I guess I could have but I didn't want to be that drunk friend) plus the restaurant's heating was broken. All they had were a bunch of space heaters sitting around and instead of going somewhere else (the theater was right across the street) we just hurried through our meal. This left me with about an hour and 45 minutes before the play started. Bannie went backstage and I went to a coffee-type house next door to, what else, knit. I plopped myself down on a couch next to the fireplace and took out my bag. There was an awful singer doing his thing about 15 feet away but I just concentrated on my work and made smug remarks in my head. About 10 minutes before I was going to leave a late 50s-something woman came up to me. When I raised my head she said, "Excuse me, I just wanted to say: to know you is to love you. That's beautiful."

And it is and you should.

I've noticed that almost all the books I've read lately start with a quote or poem by someone other than the author. I usually read them and think, that's nice, or, why do I need an introduction by a different artist, or, do I really want to read this book? I'm probably not really that harsh. I just opened the new book by Amy Tan, Saving Fish from Drowning, and here's how she started:

The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding.
--Albert Camus

A pious man explained to his followers: "It is evil to take lives and noble to save them. Each day I pledge to save a hundred lives. I drop my net in the lake and scoop out a hundred fishes. I place the fishes on the bank, where they flop and twirl. "Don't be scared," I tell those fishes. "I am saving you from drowning." Soon enough, the fishes grow calm and lie still. Yet, sad to say, I am always too late. The fishes expire. And because it is evil to waste anything, I take those dead fishes to market and I sell them for a good price. With the money I received, I buy more nets so I can save more fishes.
--Anonymous

I not only think these are wonderful quotes but that they succinctly set a tone that the novel can then follow. The second quote expounds on the first and the novel can be viewed as an even greater expansion. I feel that these quotes also act as a kind of guywire for the novel that the reader can hold onto if they ever feel lost. So far I'm not as absorbed in this book as I have been in others by Amy Tan but I'm still excited.

compensation

Scene the First

Someone sent me a message on friend*ster today. I haven't logged on there in months and completely forgot what I wrote. When I reread my profile it still seemed pretty accurate. Let me repost it for you here.

About Me:

I keep trying to write something about art but it's just not coming out at all. I think about art all the time. I started with dance but now I'm becoming more interested in performance art. Like yesterday I spent the entire day (meaning exactly 12.6 hours) staring at the nails in my bedroom wall until my eyes hurt so much I cried blood. My friends keep telling me that if I want to find a man that I should really change this section into something a little less creepy. I say that if a guy can't pick out sarcasm then we're already in trouble.

Who I Want to Meet:

Someone who also likes to give spontaneous ass slaps; there aren't enough of those in my life. Someone who has definite opinions, whatever they may be, and can handle that I have them too. Like if I told you I was going to make it my life's mission to destroy the oppressive, sexist power structure that is classical ballet, don't freak out. Just nod and say, "Oh, hmm, I may or may not agree with that...and here's why..."

See? Fits me, right? I was pretty impressed that he still sent me a message after reading that. And he encouraged my obsession with destroying ballet. He might also have just been emailing me because we share the same first name. Maybe he shares my secret desire to date someone with the same first name. Maybe he's also a complete narcissist. Not that I am.

I also liked rereading my profile because MNS left a comment that makes me laugh every time I see it, whether it's been a few months or just a few days. And here it is:

ipj is funny. He makes the weekends tolerable and makes me laugh so hard I
cry. Sometimes he just makes me cry. Sometimes after a day at work with ipj
I just go home and cry and cry and cry. That's part of his charm.

Scene the Second

I was doing some more critical thinking on the toilet the other day. I sometimes worry that I have these terribly annoying habits that drive my friends crazy but of which I'm completely unaware. But then I sometimes have that epiphanous moment where I realize just how annoying I could be but am not. For instance, there's a phrase that goes through my head each time I think or hear the word "eek." "Eek" popped in my head when I was doin' my business and I thought, "Thank god I never actually say this out loud. I would totally be that annoying guy at work." I'll never stop making that weird throat noise though. (For more info ask Ida, MNS, HL or YorN.)

Scene the Third

I was watching my clips last night (yes, porn clips and I'm going to stop and explain them for a moment because HL always makes fun of me for this but it'll help the story. I almost never watch full movies of porn online, only short 10-30 second clips. That's because the clips are free and I can't justify spending any of my dwindling money on aiding my sinful sinful daily/nightly/anytimely habit. HL sometimes lets me log on to one of his many accounts but really, I kind of prefer the short clips. The clips give me just enough to kick-start my fantasy/imagination. If I watch the full movie I get bored. The men always end up disappointing me in some manner; they're certainly no match for my lonely sex-starved mind. Back to the story.) and I was thinking, "Hey, that guy's pretty hot...and a little familiar looking. Hey, that guy on his knees looks familiar too. Hmm." The problem was I was watching amateur stuff with no close-ups and the lighting was pretty bad so the "actors" familiarity was only vague. At least they were familiar through their faces and not for other parts, give me some credit. I scrolled down to the bottom of the screen where there's more info on the featured clips and sure enough, I recognized the names of two of the five guys. I had slept with both of them (separately) in Seattle. Well, that certainly pulled on my heartstrings and made me miss the Northwest. Sigh.

Scene the Fourth

I've lost the blogging challenge. But, like laurenj, I have a good reason.

My life is boring.

Yes, going home and playing video games everyday does not make for good conversation, no matter how much my cousin might disagree. So I'm conceding to MNS. In my opinion (and through the rules we arbitrarily assigned) she's the winner. I may or may not (more likely) try to continue posting, we'll see. It's not like I don't have the time.

This week hasn't started off so well. I've already had 2 large slices of baclava, one piece of rugulah and an ice cream bar. Damn my friends for giving me sweets!

I'm going to make a hat for a friend of mine but since I want to use a knitting style I'm unfamiliar with I'm practicing on some other yarn I have laying around. I started today at work and it's pretty exciting. I had to start over about five times but none of those were actually related to the new style I was using; I just kept making dumb mistakes. The new style is called fair isle/strand knitting. I don't know which one it's actually called because different sources say different things. One website says that fair isle is a type of stranding but doesn't go on to say what's unique about it. Stranding involves knitting with two colors, one in each hand. I taught myself to knit with both hands specifically so I could try this style. As I could see my pattern begin to emerge in my knitting I actually got a little breathless; that's how excited I was that it was working. But then I would have to take it apart and start over. I'm sincerely anticipating work tomorrow so I can get back to my knitting.

I'm sorry, that's really all that's happening in my life right now.

trade-off

Here's how things kind of broke down:

Sunday
pilates
half a box of yogurt covered raisins
Monday
3 peanut butter Girl Scout Cookies, 4 thin mints
finished the box of raisins
Tuesday
pilates
Wednesday
pilates
Thursday
7 thin mint Girl Scout cookies
Friday
3 mini-cupcakes
Saturday
pilates
3 chocolate filled rugulah
Sunday
one pint o' ice cream

I thought I had done pretty well until I actually typed the week out. Now I'm less satisfied. But considering that I used to eat 3-4 pints of ice cream every week it's certainly an improvement. And I did exercise 4 times, that's pretty good. I mean, I didn't do any sort of cardiovascular work but I usually just sit on my ass so once again, an improvement.

The major inhibitor to the new me is that I've traded one vice for another. On all the days that I really wanted something sweet I instead treated myself to a 22oz Sapporo. So don't worry, I'm still getting my empty calories and I've cut out that pesky protein.

I'm just so angry right now. Or at least I was when I got home. Now it's turning more into apathy. I know of a few ways I could combat it but part of the problem is that it saps my energy to do so.

Why show?

I'm distracted by Top Chef. Ah! I can't think at all.

When I was young I fantasized about having super powers, as did everyone I knew, though I think I daydreamed a bit more often. I wanted to use my powers to find happiness, get fame, luxury, crush my enemies, the regular stuff. Now that I'm an adult I still have those fantasies. Only now I'd use my powers to stay free of disease, clean my room faster, have better hair, non-oil smelling clothes. My dreams have certainly become more sophisticated.

I have more elaborate fantasies involving super powers too but I'm not going to divulge those. I hope that someday I'll be able apply those fantasies in an artistic way but until then I'm just a guy sitting at home, living in my head playing video games.

The dance show was...was...was, I don't even know. MNS sent me a link to a website that's looking for reviewers and I was going to use this show as my sample writing but I don't even know what to write.

Why did he say that?! I can't believe he just said that. Oops, Top Chef distracted me again.

Back to the dance show. It was so boring and self-indulgent. The last 10 minutes or so were spent watching a fucking slide show of candid pictures. A lot (if not all) of the pictures were contemporary dancers and choreographers, some who were in the audience. It was like being forced to watch the college slides of a friend of a friend that you didn't know and certainly didn't care about. There was nothing in this show that made me actively interested. Melanie and I agreed that it did make both of us think but think about pretty much anything besides what we were watching. We should have just gone to dinner.
The title of this entry was taken from the program in reference to the subject matter of the show. It expresses my thoughts exactly.

And that's it for today.

blaaaa

I keep looking at this screen until I see double and then it gets fuzzy, trying to will some interesting topic into my head. It's just not happening. I've been experimenting with different knitting ideas in the attempt to create a hat pattern for a friend of mine. It's not going so well, let's just say it looked like shit. And I mean that literally. Really.

I'm supposed to go to a dance show tonight but I don't feel like it. Earlier I was afraid that it might be some sort of shoes-off type of thing and I of course wore holey socks today even though HL bought me new ones for Christmas and demanded that I throw my old ones away. Eh. I didn't. Then I feared that the dancers might break the fourth wall, which I'm also not in the mood for. The last thing I need is some dancer talking/yelling/staring at me. It's cold. I just want to go home.

I still haven't bought any ice cream or other dessert product. I did eat a bunch of those Girl Scout cookies but as stated earlier, those don't count. I've also exercised 4 times this week. Last night and this morning my muscles were sore and at first I was proud/disappointed with myself. Proud that I've been working hard enough to make myself sore but disappointed because I know I really haven't been doing that much so my body must be pretty out of shape for those meager exercises to make it tired. But then I realized the real reason, which completely erased any lingering pride I might have had. It's cold outside! Yes, when you are cold and shivering all the time your muscles tend to hurt, even after they've warmed up.

I may or may not still run to the mirror right after I finish exercising. I want to keep that image of toned muscles in my head as long as possible.

oh breeder (brother)

I just watched a communication training workshop held at the theater where I work. It was led by members of our education department in an effort to better equip our ushers with the tools needed to, god this sentence is just going on forever. I should really be filling out the observer response sheet they gave me but it requires at least some thought on my part so I'm avoiding it. I'm justifying it by telling myself that I only had one hour of work left when I got back to my desk and my, the phones are certainly busy and I really don't have time to finish that survey right now, I'll do it tomorrow. But in reality here I am on blogger. Did I ever actually think I could go back to school?

Disclaimer: men and women are not treated equally in our society. I am well aware of this, okay? Okay.

Last night my roommate Horsey came home and told me that she had placed an ad on craigslist for a date Saturday night. I mustered up my best skeptical expression while she told me about her responses. She did admit that obviously some were fake but she was positive about one man. I was less so. I'm pretty much convinced that every single person on the craigslist personal ads is a liar. But here's the kicker: in her ad she stated that he'd be buying her dinner. I've run into this mentality numerous times with women in my life. Among other things (that I don't feel like listing, let's just concentrate on this one), they still expect men to pay for dinner. That's completely unfair. If men and women should be treated equally then don't expect a man to pay for your meal, pay for it your own goddamn self. Yes, I know how nice it feels when you're out with someone and they offer to pay but to expect, nay demand it? That just pisses me off. Of course, I'm assuming that she believes in equality between men and women. I guess that might be giving her too much credit. It's just that I find it so hard to imagine that someone wouldn't want equality that I forget that those ideas actually do exist. In college I got in an argument with a friend of mine about this very subject. She thought men should pay for her dinner and hold doors for her and whatever other crap I can't remember. I said she couldn't have those things and still be treated like a peer. You can't expect a man to treat you like some fragile helpless queen and an intellectual equal. That's selfish and wrong. By the by, I'm well aware that I'm ignoring a lot of issues here; that was intentional. But if you really feel the need to point them out, go ahead.

at least my mom is proud of me

All you bloggers out there who haven't switched to the new Blogger Beta version should. And do you know why? Because it will be easier for me to leave comments on your blog. If you're still on the old version I have to go to a separate page to log in with my Google account then go back to your blog to leave a comment. And if I've already typed a comment it gets erased during the transfer. So switch! Switch! Switch for me!

And now for some pictures.

This hat is special for many reasons.

1. I made it.

2. A friend/coworker gave me the yarn, ergo I didn't spend any money.

3. I made it for said friend/coworker (that's her head).

4. I knit it all while at work.

5. I unraveled the whole thing right before I finished so I could slightly alter it.

6. The most exciting: I semi-taught myself 4 new knitting related techniques.

Since this yarn was free I decided to use it to learn how to knit with the yarn in my left hand (Continental style, baby). I was taught how to knit with the yarn in my right hand (English style) but I can only knit for about an hour that way. After that my arm gets tired. Plus it always seems like Continental knitters can go much faster. To begin I made myself knit a four inch wide swatch for an hour everyday. It was very frustrating; I felt like I was learning to knit all over again and realized why beginning knitters hate it so. Then I would switch back to English style to release some tension and work on my legwarmers. I figured that by the time I finished my legwarmers I'd be ready to try a project Continental style. I then taught myself how to make cables in my knitting. Cable knits form that twisty band you see best in the first picture. I used to hate cables; I thought they looked ugly. But they are so fun to do that now I love them. I also and still do hate seams. My seams always suck. My sister Ida once showed me how to knit a seam but I only vaguely remembered what she did so I tried to recreate it when putting together this hat. I don't know if I did it the way she did but it turned out pretty well. Then the pom-pom. I was pretty satisfied with my trial hat until I made that damn pom-pom. It just did not turn out that great. Then sewing it on was a bitch too. It looks okay until you touch it and realize that it's pretty floppy. But I'm still happy about the other things I've learned.

Hopefully something else will happen to me today so more than two people will find my posts interesting.

mr. hyde just needed a fudgsicle

So the day after I wrote that last post I walk into work and my boss has brought two boxes of Girls Scouts cookies. I'm one of only two people in this office today (not counting my boss, who has extra boxes at home and specifically brought these in so other people would eat them) and the other person is allergic to gluten and can't eat the cookies anyway. So all day I have to resist the temptation to shove these things in my mouth and it's getting hard. I mean, they're sitting right there! Maybe I should hide them. Maybe I can just restructure my resolution and say that I'll cut back my dessert eating of once a week to things that I buy. I mean, I can't control other people's actions and if they want to shower me with sugar I can't stop them. And wouldn't it be rude to refuse their gift?

Completely unrelated, I went to the dentist yesterday and my gums bled like hell. She said my mouth looked like a horror movie.

On Friday I told HL it was his duty to help me kick my dessert habit. At 3AM on Sunday morning we tipsily wandered the local corner store searching for goodies to buy. He, being a good friend, stood between me and the brownie mix and refused to budge, no matter how much I told him to ignore my earlier resolution. We jokingly argued for a while until I finally lunged, grabbed by him by the shoulders, threw him aside and claimed the coveted mix. I noticed the fear in HL's eyes was immediately shamed. What kind of monster had I become, to violently abuse my friend in order to feed my habit?! I put the brownie mix back on the shelf and we left empty-handed. And I swear I didn't go back later to buy it. I swear!

new year's ? resolution

I've decided to try to cut back my sugar/dessert eating habit to once a week. I say try because I can't quite commit myself to vowing to once a week. That's too much pressure. I need to have that out in case of an emergency but I'm going to try to narrow my definition of an emergency too. I'm also going to start doing my pilates exercises at least four times a week. I realized recently that I've been unconciously thinking that I have the same body that I did in college and that I can eat the same way I did in college but some hard staring in the mirror has convinced me otherwise. I ate a lot of ice cream in college and I mean a lot but I was also dancing every day and going to the gym a lot too. Now I sit on my ass all day at work and then sit on my ass some more when I get home and still eat lots of ice cream. Is it any wonder that my body has changed? Some day I hope to join and attend a gym again but that's tied into many other things that also need to change so I'm going to have to settle for exercises at home for now.

But I do so love ice cream.

I'm sorry, this just isn't the weekend of blogging. I'll do much better when I'm back at work and have endless hours to kill. In the meantime you should go see Cynthia Hopkins' show at St. Ann's Warehouse. It made me so happy, you know, because it was good. I wish she were my friend. Today I saw Notes on a Scandal, which I also recommend, though not as strongly. Of course, one costs twice as much as the other but it's worth it.

It's an emergency post. I'm going out and forgot to blog even though I thought about it all day. Then neither MNS nor Ida answered their phone so they couldn't blog for me. Luckily HL still had his computer on so here's the post.

But here's what it was going to be about:

I'm back on the hunt. MNS predicts sadness, she'll probably be right.

the fall of mine

In reference to yesterday, what I was going to blog about was my knitting. I finally bought some elastic thread on Wednesday and stayed up until 2AM sewing it into the top of my legwarmers and I tried them on and they stayed up and I was all excited to wear them the next day because it's finally gotten sort of cold in New York but as I padded down the stairs on Thursday morning I could feel them falling. As I walked to the subway my legs got progressively colder until they legwarmers were finally resting on my ankles. I took them off on the subway ride to work, much to HL's chagrin. During work I sewed a second, tighter band into one warmer then went to lunch, and it stayed up the whole time! Back at work I sewed the second one and thought I'd finally succeeded. I wore them both outside and my legs were very cozy, it was lovely. I tried to call my sister to tell her of my victory but she didn't answer so she has to read about it here; I'll not talk to her about it if she's going to shun me for less important things, like tech rehearsal. I then called GT but as the phone was ringing the first warmer starting slipping down! Tragedy! But I was able to wear the second one for the rest of the evening. I must be destined to only have one comfortable leg. I think I'm going to have to get an elastic band (not just thread) and sew it directly onto my knitting. But when will I do that?

the mer-people of new york

I often use music to help me out during times of loneliness. When I first moved to New York and lived in The House of Mormons I listened to Carla Bruni, like, all the time. I only had a portable CD player and since I didn't want to carry around a bunch of CDs I was pretty much always listening to her. And since that album was all sad and it was November in New York and raining all the time it was a pretty good match. I burned that album from my sister so it always made me think of her and, by extension the rest of my family, whom I had just left in Seattle (at a good orphanage though, so that wasn't bothering me). Then when I did my internship at a certain theater I started listening to a lot of Kristin Hersh (which reminded me of my other sister because I downloaded that off of her computer when she visited me) because a lot of her stuff reflected my (sad) mood too. Unfortunately, now if I hear any of the songs from those albums I'm taken back into my memories and get, well, sad again. I used those songs to take away sadness but they didn't just take it away, I put it into them. Now they carry it and throw it back at me whenever they're played. I think the only way I'll be able to listen to those songs again is to play them a lot when I'm excruciatingly happy so as to balance them out.

So, the play on Wednesday. It's title was The Big Voice: God or Merman? First of all, I kept thinking it was Man or Merman, like some nod to George Bernard Shaw so that was already throwing me off. But when I first read the title I thought this:



Or, more accurately, this:



But what they meant was this:



Do you see why I was confused? What's really pathetic is that I never made the connection despite the numerous references to Ethel Merman throughout the show. Of course, during the show all I thought about was how bored I was and how all the songs sounded the same (dull) and uh oh, can the performers see this snide look on my face, this is a pretty small theater? I think my version of the show would have been better. As it was we once again left at intermission. HL pointed out that my values must have really dropped since I used to say that I would leave a show only if I actually found it offensive. Now I just leave if I think it's a waste of time, which is a type of offense so I don't think I've changed too much.

This is my post. I don't have anything to say. I did have some things to say but my fire was taken away by certain circumstances. We'll see about tomorrow.

you wanted to know

In my quiet homage to Miss Beta Fippel I've already pooped three times today! Three! I don't understand it. I haven't changed my diet of shredded wheat, prune juice and V8. It doesn't make any sense.

This is the week of theater for me. Here's how it breaks down:

Sunday Netflix good
Monday Theater good. Recommended, awesome beginning, but not my favorite.
Tuesday Left at intermission. The option was presented to go home and watch The Golden Girls, the choice was clear.
Wednesday We'll see. I have my doubts.
Friday I'm super excited.

It feels great to be seeing so much even if two of them are movies. I don't have anything against movies, good heavens no, they get me through my life but I'd be more impressed if I were attending five live theater events in one week. Uh oh, I ran out of time. If my internet connection is working at home I'll let you know how tonight turned out.