anxiety

I just got this email from the woman who owns the Pilates studio I work at on the UWS:

Hi ipj,
I would like to observe one of your Pilates sessions. Most/all of your clients would probably be amenable to a one-time viewing session, right?

Aaaah! I've already been kind of freaking out about Pilates and this doesn't help. I officially applied to another Pilates job yesterday (I had called and left a message 2 days ago then sent an email with my resume yesterday) and my self-confidence is pretty low. I been feeling a little inadequate lately in my teaching even though my clients seem to like our sessions. But then I sometimes end up thinking that they just don't know any better. Yesterday at the UWS studio I was talking to one of the other instructors and asked her about a few different exercises listed on a chart that's going to be put up in the Pilates room soon. I felt kind of silly asking about them since they're apparently part of the "classical" repertoire. When I first got the above email my immediate reaction was that this other instructor must have told the owner what I was asking because only an idiot with horrible training wouldn't know those exercises and that's why she wants to watch me because she wants to make sure her decision is correct before she fires me and THEN WHAT WILL I DO?!

Okay, I know that's really probably not what happened at all but I can't help thinking it. When I'm not the best I often assume that I must be the worst. I have a hard time with that in-between area where, really, almost everything happens.

The other problem is that I feel kind of guilty for not having observed more at that studio. As part of my apprenticeship I'm supposed to be observing the other instructors but I've only done like 3 hours in the 6 months I've been there. Wow. I never really thought about it before. That's pretty sad.

So:
overwhelming sense of guilt + lack of self-confidence = very frazzled ipj

I'm not a robot

And here's proof. I totally just cried at the end of the most recent episode of House...while at work. Luckily my coworkers never turned around from their computers.

serious thinking time

A coworker of mine forwarded me an article today by Bruce Bawer titled An Anatomy of Surrender. Here's a link to the article. I highly suggest you read it. The author discusses current disturbing acts of suppression concerning freedom of speech specifically related to writings or other works of art criticizing or even just discussing Islam in a "negative" light. I put quotations around negative because the use of that term depends on who you're talking to.

Following is an excerpt that really struck me.

Last year brought another cartoon crisis—this time over Swedish artist Lars Vilks’s drawings of Mohammed as a dog, which ambassadors from Muslim countries used as an excuse to demand speech limits in Sweden. CNN reporter Paula Newton suggested that perhaps “Vilks should have known better” because of the Jyllands-Posten incident—as if people who make art should naturally take their marching orders from people who make death threats.*

*bold font mine

Just yesterday Parfait and I were discussing how easily we've begun to give up our freedoms as a people. This article was thought provoking and I think that's exactly what we all need to be doing: thinking and questioning. We need to not be afraid to question what's happening around us, even if those questions may be upsetting to oneself or someone else. Does Islam support violence? If so, do we need to be "respectful" of that religion and therefore condone that violence? No. This is actually pretty hard for me to write about. I feel that there's a large part of my mind that's been conditioned to be accepting of another person's religious beliefs and I think that's how a lot of people think. But when that acceptance of a belief degrades into an acceptance of atrocious acts of violence we need to question what's supporting our passivity. Is it fear? Is it laziness? Or is it a feeling of helplessness? I can say for myself that it's definitely a combination of all three. I don't know what I can do, how I can do it or what the repercussions might be. Not just the repercussions for myself but for other people as well. Being raised in the Mormon religion has helped me realize the misunderstandings and prejudices that can result from lumping members of a faith together. Just became one Mormon believes something doesn't mean all Mormons believe it or that the Mormon faith even teaches it. The same applies to followers of any religion, including Muslims. But being extra careful to separate individuals from a group can also fail to acknowledge the principles or laws that a religion does in fact teach. Clearly, I don't know enough about Islam to be making many statements but I also know that the fear of not knowing enough and the fear of hurting the few individuals who might be an exception to the rule keeps me from making any statements.

After seeing an exhibit at El Museo del Barrio I told Parfait that I was envious of the artists' work we saw because they seemed like they actually believed in something and wanted to make a change. I told him I could never make art like that because I don't believe in anything. Upon further reflection I realized this was inaccurate. It's not that I don't care about anything (though when I'm depressed or really upset, as I was then, I literally do stop caring, and that's difficult) it's that I don't know what to do and I feel completely helpless and like I don't know anything so who am I too judge others? When there are so many unknown variables how can I make a strong statement, one that I truly believe in?

active voice

I just balanced my checkbook and am really really excited because I have so much money in my account! I haven't had this much money in a long long time. Maybe quitting my job won't totally freak me out financially. Things are going to be okay...

Except for that I just remembered I totally left out a big ol' payment. Oops, back to normality again. At least that high was fun while it lasted.

some things

I am a mess right now. I broke down crying last night for no clear reason (no single clear reason anyway) and I feel like I need to cry again. I'm just kind of freaking out about things and have become way too sensitive. I came into my desk job this morning to catch an education performance and happened to see my boss who said hello. But she said it in a way that made me think maybe she was mad at me. Then I spent most of the performance worrying that somebody at my job read this blog and told her I was thinking about quitting and she got mad for my not telling her myself. But then I tried calming down by reminding myself that I'm not doing anything bad or wrong by thinking about quitting. I've been thinking about quitting for nearly two years, it's just that now I'm a little more serious. Still though, I don't like feeling like I'm hiding something and though I'm not actually hiding anything my sense of guilt, even when it's imagined, can be pretty overwhelming. Hence the crying and anxiety.

Also, I told Parfait that we should move in together. We're going to talk about it.

Also, the weather is all faccacted (how am I supposed to spell that, I don't even care enough to figure it out) and that's probably not helping.

Whew. Right now I'm pretty much wasting time at my job even though I'm not even scheduled to be here. I need to go to the bank and should probably get some food before I have to go teach but really, I just need some safety right now. I'd like to go somewhere and knit but it's pretty rainy outside so that's probably not going to happen. After crying last night I sat up, grabbed some needles, frogged my work because I thought of a better way to go and started over. I was knitting almost frantically and might have worried Parfait. But it really did help calm me down. And the rows looked pretty good so no harm done.

A note on the new format: I was thinking about going over to Wordpress but after actually creating a new blog over there, transferring all my old posts and spending nearly an hour and a half trying to manipulate one of their themes to my liking I decided Blogger handled personal touches better. Wordpress might have some better themes but it's seems much harder to sneak in your own html code and I finally gave up. So I started playing with a new theme on Blogger instead. It's still a work in progress. I mean, there's not a whole lot I can do but at least I can do something.

I don't like libraries anyway

Except that I do. And I tried to keep them open. At first this game was fun but ultimately it left me downtrodden. It pretty much accurately reflects any actual ability I may have related to politics. I utterly failed. How did you do?

maybe probably

I'm all jittery today and I'm not sure what to do to calm down. Actually, that's totally a lie, I know exactly what I should be do. I should write some sort of Pilates resume because...I most likely probably almost positively am going to quick my day job. Yikes. It just feels like it's time. I've been here for nearly 3 years and while it has given me a lot of time to knit I'm really starting to feel the drain on my soul. Of course, last night when I told Parfait he started asking me if I had any sort of action plan for the future after I quit and duh, of course not, I was planning on using quitting to get my ass in action (but not get action for my ass, I've been down that road) and find more Pilates teaching opportunities. I also think the time might have come to lie but I haven't decided yet. I'm still not completely certified yet but seriously it's taking me forever and if I can just start teaching more I'll be certified in no time. So should I just say I'm certified to get a job then make it true after the fact? I don't know, I really don't like lying but I also don't like my current job. What to do, what to do? Thank goodness I have a stripey purple hat I'm working on to clear my mind. That, and this great video my sister sent me. Thanks sis. I've watched this so many times. These girls are great, not just because they're a little bonkers but because their choreography is awesome and they are committed. Enjoy.

fantasy or reality

The other day I decided to take a short walk up to Columbus Circle after work. It had been a long day and I needed some time to clear my brain. I walked a few avenues west to get away from the crowds and picked up a little Red Mango on the way, which is awesome bye the bye and I can't stop eating it, except for now, because I'm sick. Anyway, I was walking along basically in my own world thinking my self-involved thoughts when I saw this guy walking toward me and we made eye contact, significant eye contact. No, not all flirty, more like, "I think we might know each other." I had just a few seconds to decide if I should say something but I missed the opportunity as we passed each other. Then a little bit of crazy began:

Did I know that guy? Where would I have met him? Is he a friend of Parfait's? Is he a techie that I met when I still did stagehand stuff? Was it rude that I didn't say anything? Clearly I don't know him very well. I should have just said hello and kept walking. That's nice and non-committal. That way, if I do vaguely know him I'll seem like a nice guy and if I don't I'll still just seem like a nice guy. Damn, why didn't I say hello? Where would I know that guy? He doesn't look like anyone I would usually be hanging out with. Uh oh, is he on television? Am I starting to confuse my own reality with reality tv? Oooerrrm, maybe it's a good thing I didn't say hello. But no, I must know him. Aaagh! Who is he?!

It was only later on the subway that I realized who he was:


Kevin from season 4 of Project Runway. Turns out I am a little crazy, I do watch too much tv, I do need to get out more and I don't know him. And I can't say I'm sorry.

So most of you know I don't really like my apartment, mostly because of my crappy roommates. But also because I never get to bake, also mostly because of my crappy roommates. Seriously, I used to bake all the time. When I lived in Seattle I had pies and cookies comin' out like every week or so, even a special glass pie one time. But since I've lived in New York the only thing I can remember baking is a cake for that guy who shall not be named who I sort of dated, and he didn't even really like it. One more reason why he's a bastard. But now I'm basically living with Parfait and finally, after months of not having any, the gas in his apartment has been reconnected. I've already baked like 4 batches of cookies in the past two weeks. And last night I decided to make some blueberry muffins. Oh man, I love blueberry muffins. I used to make them all the time when I was a kid but I haven't made any since I was in college. I was so excited. They finished baking around 9PM and I pretty much ate them for dinner. And it was glorious. The tops were so crusty and fluffy. I want one right now. Parfait only ate one, he has some restraint, but not me! While unwrapping my third he suddenly shouted, Stop! I thought he was going to reprimand me for being such a piggy but no. I get to eat the top. What?! No. I turned around and gave him the look of death. We ended up sharing, ugh. The lesson, don't get between me and my baked goods.

grandpa was right

I'm cat sitting for a certain blogger this weekend while she and her hubby are off on vacaneymoon, which is really just vacation and not a honeymoon at all but I like saying vacaneymoon. I was pretty good about bringing supplies to their apartment but felt guilty about taking the only toothpaste out of my boyfriend's apartment. (Even though it's my special cavity fighting toothpaste that I order online. I've basically been living at his place for a couple of months so I probably shouldn't suddenly just steal the toothpaste we've been sharing.) But my lazy ass has been, well, too lazy to go out and buy more toothpaste just so I can use it while cat sitting. So I've decided to embrace my heritage and brush my teeth like my ancestors did, with good old fashioned Arm & Hammer baking soda. Awesome. I sprinkle some on my great Sonicare (at least I remembered that, I'm not going to go crazy nostalgic and start using my finger or anything) then take little breaks to sprinkle more on throughout the process. And you know what, my teeth feel fine, pretty much the same in fact. I do wish I had some mouthwash to finish up with but otherwise I can't really tell the difference. So will I be making a switch once I'm done cat sitting? I don't know. Maybe I'll try a homemade salt scrub for my teeth later. I mean, what's good for your skin is good for your teeth, right?

In other news, I slightly change my hairstyle the other day and shocked my coworkers enough that they demanded a picture. So I'll share it with you.



Yeah. My teeth are so clean and sexy my lips can hardly touch them. I've since gone back to the old flat hair bed head look because I feel like it better hides the fact that I really need a hair cut.

it really really is

Have you been thinking along these lines lately?

-I see too much interesting art. I need a balance of crap.
-If I had a child, what would I ban him/her from watching?
-I'm too smart. How can I destroy some brain cells?

Do I have the video for you! Watch it and cry as your faith in humanity slips away. I present the aptly named Stupid Shit, and believe me, it is.


Did you watch it? Wasn't that amazing?! Did you start thinking that it couldn't get any worse...and then they stripped?! And one girl put on headphones for some reason? Now that's some stupid shit. I seriously can't stop watching this it pains me so, and I'm a sucker for pain.

Here's proof that gay couples (male ones anyway) can be just as trite and bland as any straight one. I couldn't even finish this article, I was so annoyed after reading just the first page. I know it's completely not fair of me to judge the entire article when I haven't finished it but seriously, I just can't do it. I can't even be bothered to write this post very well. Related and unrelated, I'm sick of this ridiculous and sexist divide between homosexual men and women. I'm sick of gay men who in their attitudes are basically elitist misogynistic straight men. I always thought that gays would be sensitive to prejudices because they've been subjected to others' but no, that's not always the case. Clearly, this is stemming from many other things since this little rant isn't directly related to the article above but I've just been thinking about it a lot. Really I should write out something a little more thoughtful and clear but right now, this is what I have.

a few things

First up. here's an excerpt from an email my sister sent me the other day:

...I think maybe you should JOIN FACEBOOK* because I just did and it's much handier than I thought...

*capitalization hers

Wha?! How could she have succumbed? And how could she suggest something so preposterous? I don't know why I'm resisting Facebook but it might have something to do with it's STUPID and before quitting myspace I think I had like a total of 7 friends. I don't need to relive that shaming disappointment. That said, I probably will join one of these days, you know, to keep things hypocritical. Also, I never responded to that email so here you go sis!

Second, I think I might have a stomach parasite. Or at least, my doctor thinks I might have a stomach parasite. I'm taking two different kinds of meds 3x a day until next Tuesday. Isn't that awesome? Where did it come from? How did I get it? Why am I so tired? My mouth tastes like icky metal.

Third, I meant to post this a while ago. I really love Muppets; I'm glad The Muppet Show seasons are slowly being released on DVD. They always make me happy...and maybe a little talent-envy.



Fourth and last, there'll be a new cupcake post coming soon. As soon as a certain sister mentioned earlier gets off Facebook and emails me the pictures we took. Or she might actually be busy taking care of her baby. Whatever. But here's a preview.

Baby and cupcakes. A good time was had by all.

delayed

I went to Seattle a few weeks ago for a fundraiser I in which I was participating. As a bonus I got to visit my family, which was great even though I didn't get to spend nearly as much time with them as I would have liked. Still, it was a free plane ticket so I feel like I can't really complain. So Seattle. Maybe I was seeing everything through vacation eyes but it was pretty wonderful there. Yes, it was a little rainy and damp but you know what, people there were pretty nice. Every server we had, while not necessarily extraordinary, was better than any one I can think of in New York. One server brought us free dessert when we thought there was a strange taste in two of the clams we'd ordered (no, I didn't eat any). And she was really apologetic and concerned about it, sincerely so, seemingly anyway. And the driver for the car service we took back to the airport brought us coffee that he'd purchased before picking us up. That was pretty nice. Unfortunately we didn't want any but still.

I was talking to a friend of mine about this. She looked at me and said, "Are you trying to tell me you're moving back to Seattle?" No, I'm not. I liked/like it there but it's not the city for me right now.

But here's what's making it really hard. Cute sweet Nora (with her dadoo and his fake smile).

I've got baby fever (but only for one baby).

And here's a video I took with my cell phone. If you didn't know before that I'm gay this should clear up any misconceptions. The file on my phone was too big to send so I had to trim it down a bit. I hope you appreciate it because when trimming it I accidentally erased the rest of the video so now I've lost 23 extra seconds of my awesome niece. Why does life do this to me? Give me back my baby!!!

And here's a Seattle (unrated) cupcake. It was okay.

not quite national health care

Okay, I'm going to preface this by saying I haven't really been following the recent news on this issue so I don't know exactly how things have been going but I'm having a hard time imagining the events that would lead to this result.

This morning's news announcer briefly stated that families of the victims of the Virgina Tech shooting were receiving compensation in the amount of $11.8 million and agreed not to sue the state (or the money was part of the agreement not to sue the state, I can't remember). Now, I'm sorry for those families. That's a terrible way to lose someone close to you BUT the state should not be giving them money AND they have no reason to sue. If there were any reason for the government to give them money it should be for burial costs or grief counseling, though I can't say I even agree with that. I'm not going to say 'these things happen.' They do, clearly and they're awful, obviously but I don't understand how the state is to blame and how the families deserve compensation. Is it that the school failed to provide secure centers for the students? Should metal detectors have been installed in every building? Should the campus have been a walled compound, strictly controlling entry? Do prospective students need to start signing liability waivers? I just read that part of the settlement will go toward supporting talks between the families, the governor and school authorities and this I think makes sense. It just seems strange that the state is compensating these particular families who were involved in a news covered event but not other families who might have also experienced a more personal tragedy not voiced to the world. I think part of the argument is that students weren't immediately told that the first shooting had happened and thus didn't have the opportunity to protect themselves. Maybe this money could be used to enhance communication in the school, sending out email announcements, texting students or whatnot instead of offering a monetary bandage.

what a mess

Before a Pilates session the other day I was discussing my awesome new niece, Nora, with my 36 year old female client. I was describing how Nora is so much more aware now and has started laughing and is generally overwhelmingly adorable and my client said, "I'm not really a kid person but every time I see a baby laugh I feel like my uterus is going to explode."

I think we reached a new level in the teacher/client relationship.

my eyes hurt

And I'm pretty sure it's from the giant cookie I just ate. My body seems to be particularly susceptible to sugar lately. I'll be feeling fine but as soon as I eat something sweet I almost immediately start to feel like I'm getting a cold. Maybe I'm on overload and my body is trying to tell me something. This has happened before and I find the reaction time of the body fascinating.

I'm at work and had to take a little break (from knitting). I'm working, and have been working, on a scarf for Parfait to match the two hats I made him. I've been going with this kind of patchworky type thing and I can't tell if it's working out or not.

Here's the part I'm currently working on

And here's why I had to take a break


There are three different skeins I'm working with with a total of five lines coming off this damn scarf. It's a mess back there and I get frustrated easily.

Last night I went to see Kevin Augustine's Bride at PS122. I thought it was great and if you're around, go see it, tickets are only like $20 or something. It's so wonderful to see someone who obviously has a great love for their art form. There are cool and somewhat creepy puppets involved (including puppet dancing) and it's clear that he's really into what he does. There was obviously so much thought and work put into this production. When it first began there were quite a few questionable elements and I thought, "Oh god, this could be awful...or it could be great." By the middle of it I realized that the beginning totally made sense and appreciated it much more. I thought the ideas presented were interesting and while they didn't bowl me over, they were still clever and creative.

And in other news, I made Rice Kr*spie treats at work the other day...and again on Saturday. I saw a sickeningly sweet ad for them that morning on TV with a laughing family around the mixing bowl then found myself craving them a few hours later. Damn advertising, you caught me again! So I went over to a grocery store on my lunch break and bought the ingredients. But not before checking the office kitchen to make sure I had the proper tools. I melted the butter and marshmallows in the microwave then ended up using two giant plastic salad tongs to basically "toss" in the cereal. The salad tongs actually worked amazing well. The best part of the story is that as I was microwaving the butter the Senior Vice President, the Vice President of Operations and the Director of Operations (who work either on a different floor or in an entirely different building) walked into my floor's conference room, right across from the kitchen. I could hear them talking about the interior of the floor and kept hoping that they wouldn't walk into the kitchen. I quickly shoved the marshmallows and cereal (which I had measured into a water pitcher) over right next to the fridge so that they wouldn't be able to see them unless they walked all the way into the room. Then I just stood there looking at the microwave, pretending I was on my lunch break waiting for my food to get hot. They did end up poking their heads in but only their heads so thank god they couldn't see my stash or what I had in the microwave. Yes, technically I was on my lunch break but I still think it would look pretty unprofessional for the VP to catch me making a children's snack, no matter how cherished the memory.

for shame

I feel like a few select people might chastise me for this but...

Guess who came to the show at the theater tonight: Ryan Gosling.
Guess who didn't quite place the name when selling him tickets over the phone: me. As a result, I didn't tell anyone he was coming and the people in the box office were taken by surprise when he came to pick up his tickets. Honestly, I just figured it was someone with the name Ryan Gosling. Come on, that's not that unusual a name. I treated him like any patron, including getting his mailing address and phone number. And that's that.

my turn

Okay, I've been resisting doing this since I've fared so poorly at guessing everyone else's quotes but I'm bored at work and I don't feel like reading or knitting. tarak tagged me for this whole 15 quotes from your favorite movies, well, turns out my favorite movies don't have very good quotes listed on imdb.com. Also, a lot of my favorite movies are foreign and I don't trust whatever translation imdb was using. Or something like this kept happening:

You're staying home, the sun is shining, but it's raining.

Anyone? It's from Akira Kurosawa's Dreams. I love that movie but there's not a lot of talking. So I finally gave up on my favorite movies and decided to only concentrate on my favorite children's movies, even though they're not just for kids, 'cause I still love them today. So that's your clue. And I've only listed 10, this was starting to get tiring.

1. What? Never had gemstones in your craw?

2. Nothing? NOTHING? Nothing, tra la la?

3. Well, it's kind of hard to describe. It's like being next to a new loaf of bread.

4. Oh yes mustard! That'll do... Mustard?! Don't let's be silly.

5. Mouldy mildew, mother of mouthmuck, dangle and strangle and death.

6. Attacked by Christmas toys? That's strange, that's the second toy complaint we've had.

7. You who swallowed a falling star, o' heartless man, your heart shall soon be mine.

8. He has to give me a new name. He's already chosen it. He just has to call it out.

9. Lady H******, was it you who screamed 'AIEEE!?'

And finally, because I was running out of children's movies I threw in a sci-fi.

10. The spice must flow.

100

hours completed. Only 150 more to go before I'm certified as a Pilates Apparatus Instructor or something. I don't even know what I'll get to call myself then. It's probably going to take me another 6-7 months, judging by the rate I've going. I guess that's fine.

I'm not too in the mood to blog right now but here I am anyway. In fact, I'd rather be knitting. So I'm just going to say I:

• went to a good play
• am going to a questionable musical tonight
• am co-hosting a Star Wars related shin-dig
• will be seeing a puppetry related show soon
• spent a lot of money on books on Pilates
• spent a lot of money on the government (in the form of taxes)
• got worried about taxes for 2008
• upset Parfait
• had a long talk with Parfait
• called my mother for her birthday
• took hideous pictures of myself that I won't be posting
• took a picture of my giant mysterious bruise that I will be posting
• took a picture of myself exemplifying my lack of self control

How did this happen?!


The chocolate abortion eggies are back! We (my officemates and I) have been eating them like crazy for a week already. The other day I was being silly and started shoving a bunch of them in my mouth. After stuffing about 7 of them in there tarak looked at me and said, in her best cockney accent:
"The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain."

Unfortunately this pic just makes it kind of look like my vomit consists of chocolate eggs. That's not so bad considering I shit Mississippi Mud pies.

And finally, after many boring tries, I took this picture and secretly put it as the desktop on Parfait's Blackberry.

Faith thinks I look like an angel, Isaac thinks I look dead inside. I think he means soulful.